Lonely

Have you ever felt that you just need someone to talk to, but all you see are just strangers?

I have no idea why I felt this today.. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life.

Yes, blame it on me that I could have taken the initiative to talk to others, but I just can't. I am an extrovert (based on the MBTI test), but you can't expect an extrovert to talk all the time right? We can be shy human beings as well.

It sucks, that you seem to be walking in a group but yet you don't really know and can't really talk to anybody in that group. All you can do is just to look at your phone, and being so thankful that someone is online so you can pretend to be busy on the phone. Then you slowly speed up and drift away from the group, only to hear laughter behind you and wondering are they laughing about you or anything.

It sucks, it just really sucks. 

I mean, who likes to admit that they are lonely?

And nobody really understands. You try to tell your problems to people that you really trust, but all you get is them pitying you and then moving on to talk about their problem, as if the conversation only revolves around them and whatever you said gets brushed off by a simple "aiyo why like that", "so sad sia you".

Lol, I didn't share my problems to let you pity me and then brush it off with these few insensitive words. 

Or maybe, I am just being overly sensitive. I guess everyone has this side of them, don't they?

And I am really sick and tired of pleasing everybody. Like REALLY sick and tired of it. I tend to get all paranoid when I see emo posts from people and start wondering it is about me; there were times I even contacted the writer to express my concerns. Well, often they will say it's not what I thought it was, but how often are they telling the truth?

Sometimes I really wonder, who really cares? Nobody understands what I have been going through, unless you are my clone. Everyone is busy with their own life, meeting new people, only to think of you when they realized you have been gone for quite some time.

This is just life, isn't it?

You are always alone. 

Chinese Songs

Hi, this is the first time that I am doing a post without pictures HAHA.

So I recently got addicted to listening to old Chinese songs again...

They brought me back to the times when I was just an innocent girl; everyday I would just go home after school and play the online game Audition - the game that introduced me to these songs: Always Online and 不潮不用花钱 by JJ Lin and nowadays when I listened to these songs they immediately bring back the memories of myself playing the game like an addict HAHA. 

Then there were some Chinese songs that I chanced upon on the radio when my mom was cooking lunch while I was just playing in the living room with my Barbie Dolls and PlayDough - songs like 下雨天 by 南拳妈妈，曹操 by JJ Lin, 热带雨林 by S.H.E and of course there are many more. 

Of course, I'll never forget how I got introduced to Jay Chou's songs by my primary school friend who bought the whole album and her mother will just play it on the big CD player at the corner of her living room. Songs like 阳关宅男，七里香，我不配... all by Jay Chou. I'll think of the times that I'll go to her house to have lunch in between lessons as she stays right opposite the school and her mom will cook my favourite instant noodle 统一面 (till today it is still my favourite) and times like these I can lick the whole bowl clean despite my ultra small appetite.

Moving on, there were songs like Fly Away, 我们的爱, Lydia by F.I.R which I will sing when I go back to Malaysia with my cousin at her house as she has the whole Karoke Set. We will sing our lungs out as if the neighbours are deaf to our out-of-pitch singing HAHAHA. Together with these songs, there are some like 没有如果 and 会呼吸的痛 by 梁静茹 which I will sing when I am at the KTV with my friends back then.

There were also songs like 暗恋 and 就是爱你 by David Tao where it brings me back to the time when I was in my lower secondary school like and occasionally I'll have some fantasies about a handsome guy I saw on the MRT singing these 2 songs for me (okay this is embarrassing). 

Then there were some songs like 一眼万年 by S.H.E and some are the OSTs from my favourite ancient chinese dramas like Chinese Paladin 仙剑奇侠传 which I was totally crazy over during my primary and secondary school days.

As I grew up, I stopped listening to these chinese songs as well as new ones and I forced myself to listen to English Pop songs ever since my upper secondary school days. I did so because the English Pop wave was all around me and following that, I went to ACJC which is a super ultra full of English culture school. I stopped watching chinese dramas and listening to chinese songs because I felt judged - people will often call me cheena, ask me why was I so chinese when I told them about how I was like last time and I felt sad at times. 

So to how I went back to reminisce these old songs, because my friend was playing the JJ Lin songs in the study room and alot, ALOT of memories of my childhood came back. I am being rather emotional now because these songs bring me back to the times, those moments that are NEVER going to happen AGAIN. 

Many things have changed, many people have left, and now I have lesser time with my parents - gone were the days my mom cooks and I stay in the living room watching my cartoon and the audio overlapped with the Chinese songs played on the radio.. 

For the sake of acceptance, I abandoned my passion and forced myself into something that wasn't me. I didn't want it, but I felt like I have to. 

I hate growing up, I hate getting into complicated situations, and being responsible for every single thing I did. 

"Remember when we were kids and couldn't wait to grow up..."

We Love Singapore

All these photos and video were way overdue but I decided to post it near National Day. 

Sad to say, I didn't get to go anywhere out of Singapore during this 8-month break. So I decided that I am going to spend the last few moments of my holiday to "tour" Singapore. 

Why?   

1. It's cheap.

2. It's safe.

3. You can go home as and when you like.

Okay sorry for coming up with these lame reasons HAHAHA basically I just do not have time and money to travel out of town... But hey Singapore is pretty awesome okay.

Susana and I did our part for Ministry of Manpower and since we ended work early, this time we decided to "tour" from Chinatown all the way to the Central Business District. Previously we already planned to tour CBD but due to time constraint we only ended up at the Float. Such failure.

This time, it was way better. We were all prepared (dressed up with our shades and cameras) and off we go under the bloody hot sun.

We decided to begin with Chinatown as it's one of the places with old shophouses and streets that we rarely get to see nowadays. We walked towards the row of shophouses and then made a turn into the alley. The sun was scorching hot but it did justice to the lighting for our photographs.

This is where we ended our "trip". So from the old shophouses to the traditional streets selling local delights and clothes and souvenirs, to the Mosques and Temples along the way and finally the Central Business District filled with towering buildings... It felt like I took a walk back into history and I saw the change in Singapore. You might think that I am being lame/exaggerating/retarded, but the whole walk was worth it. I saw a different side of Singapore; not the usual city filled with shopping malls and high rise buildings but areas that still preserved the heritage of Singapore. 

We grew tired of taking photos and then Susana came up with the idea of doing a vlog. I decided to use my favorite National Day Theme Song as the background music. So here is my version: